i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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