Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
