somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
