Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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