my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
honey bunches of taint.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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