did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
