Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
