I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
