You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Shame - the story of my life.
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