If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
