Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
