I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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