I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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