She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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