Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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