i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
