Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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