I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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