Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
