Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
