It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
