just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
dude. I can hear the air.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
