note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor