Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob