I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out