If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
