All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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