The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
