dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
