Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
