thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
