You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
