My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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