I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
