Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
