if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
