Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
