i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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