i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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