just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
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Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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