My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
