This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
