White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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