I wannas sexs uuuuu
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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