We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
