Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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