if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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