Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
