so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
is wine microwaveable?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
