the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
