i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
