Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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