Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize