My hand turned me down
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
