They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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