explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
