i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If I die, sorry about rent.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
