Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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